My Writerly Blog

Software I've Been Trying

2008-12-07T12:59:00.000-08:00

First, I'm not a computer geek. I'm an online geek. There's a big difference. Computer geeks are heroes, for one, because they can bring back my computer from the dead. They can read and write in obscure languages like ASCii and Java. If I asked, one could probably figure out why my HTML code for my labels is not working here.

Online geeks are people who can use the computer, but can't talk to it or fix it or even know the difference between a motherboard and a wake board. We're like race car drivers who can't change their own oil.

Half my friends are fully "online" friends, and I even met my husband online. I get all my entertainment on-screen; I don't even own a TV. News: internet. Phone: internet. Shopping: internet.

But even so, I don't know much about software. And of course, the challenge I've set myself for this PhD is going to involve a lot of software. I can't create a digital novel unless I can create digital art, edit film and audio, animate text, and throw it into some order and format that other people can access.

So I've started my journey into software exploration (note: I'm running everything on Mac Leopard). So far, I haven't hit much that involves art, photography, or film. In this first 4 months of my degree I've been focused on research and getting back into the academic life, so this initial software briefing is primarily focused on tools for research and writing.

1. Zotero. This is a Firefox add-on that saves references. I can add notes, group references in folders or with tags, create separate libraries for each project, look up books. With just one click I can store a reference directly from a website, rather than typing all the info up in a database or list. More, it will export to Endnote, so that once I've collected my references, I can use all of Endnote's functions to create reference lists for my papers automatically. I love this little piece of freeware.

2. Scrivener (only available for Mac). I'm still in my trial period for this software, but I already plan to purchase it. I love the organizational capacity - I can write sections or chapters and store them separately, yet together. It's like each one has its own room in a very large house, rather than each having its own separate dwelling (as when you save them all as separate files), or everyone crammed together in one tiny shack (as when they're all in one file). It has a cool corkboard outlining function for notes, like electronic index cards. I'm sure there are a lot of other functions I haven't discovered yet, but so far this is working fabulously for my organization and logical progression. Once I get to the novel, with it's separate but interwoven storylines, this will be a lifesaver.

3. Notebook (only available for Mac). Adore. This is an electronic notebook that allows you to add, delete, and rearrange pages. It has an automatic TOC and several indexing functions. You can add files directly into the notebook pages. You can publish the notebook online for sharing. It's proven intensely valuable to organizing my notes for the PhD, as well as novel outlining and notes, and my teaching notes. It has a few bugs, but it's a worthwhile little program that I couldn't live without.

4. C-maps. This is freeware, a mind-mapping program. I've used it for outlining, for putting together a presentation (it has a slideshow function). You can add links and notes, pop-up messages, expandable and collapsible nodes. It's great for brainstorming and keeping the flow of ideas in a logical order. I think it's going to be a great tool when I turn to my digital novel and have several storylines that link - or network - in various ways, so that I can see how things are connecting. I haven't quite figured out all the functions for creating presentations, but I'm sure I'll work it out eventually.

5. Open Office. I own MS Office, but I won't even load it on my computer anymore. OO has everything I need, and doesn't try to trip me up with exclusionary file formats and BS. Free helps (hey, dirt-poor student over here).

Over the next few months, I'm going to be exploring a number of new programs: digital photography processing, graphic programs, film editing, audio editing, digital storytelling platforms, and web building programs. It sounds really daunting to me at the moment. If anyone has any recommendations to throw my way (or would like me to beta test new programs), please throw a link at me!

2008-12-05T03:21:00.000-08:00

I'm in school again. I'm a student. It's so cool, and yet so weird at the same time.

I haven't really been a student in a long time. My Master's was an experience in "this is how it's done and I have little statuettes from academies, so everything I say is gold!" No debate, no real thought.

But here, it's a good thing if you stand up and shout about what you think of something. It's a good thing if you tell the head of the department he's full of crap (as long as you can back it up, of course).

I was in a class a couple of weeks ago, and we reviewed a rather crap journal article, IMO. Some felt it had merit merely because it was interesting, and we went back and forth, back and forth over what has value in our field, what other schools perceive about our research, etc. We all shouted over one another and made points and trotted out examples. I had an amazing time.

In the induction week for postgrads, they kept telling us what a lonely experience PG life would be. How we would be depressed and isolated. I don't feel that way at all. I'm making friends, making contacts, making allies (and okay, making nemeses). I feel like I'm back in the world again.

As far as my own work, I'm 80% done with my first paper. I'm sure once I review it, I'll feel it's disorganized and crap, and needs a lot of work, but at the moment I'm pretty happy with it. I feel as though I've thought a lot on the topic and done some good research, and drawn some connections that I haven't seen elsewhere.

In fact, I haven't seen much of what I'm doing elsewhere: people examining the transition from a print literature to a digital literature. Digital literature is totally fringe at the moment, either to specialized for the masses (like some of the hypertext novels), or too dumbed-down to be considered literature (make a story from your digital pics!). People throw digital fiction out there like it's going to explode all by itself, but it won't. Not for a while anyway.

So I'm hoping the things I'm doing will be important, not only to academia, but to the creative writing industry as well. I hope I can make that apparent to the funding bodies I'm applying to - research councils as well as industry.

My goal for the next month is to set myself out a plan - a plan for the course of my PhD, a plan for obtaining funding, and a detailed overview of my research, as I see it at this stage. I want to apply for a couple of opportunities (the Knowledge Economies Strategy Scholarship, and the Pitch to Win Comp, among other things.

When I get it put together, I'll post it here so that I have tangible evidence, not just some note tucked away in a file.

I'm getting into this, all of this. The study, the classes, the papers, the discussion groups. I like it, dammit. Maybe I won't be a hermit after all.

On Being a Postgrad

2008-11-23T04:45:00.000-08:00

I finally got sick of it last week. Not being a postgrad myself, but hearing so many others whine about their experience while simultaneously not doing a darn thing about it.

Note to PGs: no one in this department is psychic. Everyone in this department cares. Talk to them!

NIECI is a brand-new department, barely out of diapers, really. Last year, they had a handful of PGs. This year they have over 40. That's a big adjustment, particularly when the department doesn't have dedicated administrators. Our head and director of PGs are both busy with their own research, in addition to running the department and helping all of us out with our studies. They've got a lot on their plates.

I just kept hearing MA student after MA student (most in creative writing) complain about lack of direction, that they don't know what they're supposed to be doing, no one is teaching them, and they're wasting their money. Meanwhile, none is asking the department for help, or even attending the events the department does host for the benefit of the students.

Part of the issue is that they all have the same supervisor, who also happens to be head of the school, head of the research council, writing books, teaching courses, and doing way more than any one person can fit into a day. Oh, and he's personal tutor for everyone in the department. There's no way he can meet regularly with everyone, or do everything people are asking him to do.

So we're all going to have to step up and be self-managed units. If we want something, we need to ask - ask for solutions, not just whine about what we're not getting.

Yes, a new department has holes, stumbling blocks. It's going to be disorganized as we grow and feel our way. But the beauty of this is that we students have the opportunity to form the direction of the school. We can tell them what we want, and they'll do their best to meet our needs. We can make things different for later years in the program. We can be pioneers, as it were.

I encourage all who have issues with the services they're receiving to sit down and list all that you feel you're missing. Then list out all the things the department can do to help you fill those gaps. Don't just complain and make them think of everything for you - ask for what you want, and you may just get it.

I let the department know about what I'm hearing. Why? Because they ask. They want to know what's going on, how they can make things better. Hopefully, things will start to shape up in the next couple of months, and people can get on with their research, instead of screeching over how abandoned they supposedly are.

Over the next few weeks the department is hosting several discussions for the students to air their concerns, and for the PhD students to offer what little wisdom we have to the disgruntled MA students. I think we'll get some good solutions for future actions and feedback loops from those, and we can move forward.

The Allure of Research

2008-11-23T04:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while. One, because the job that is paying for my PhD suddenly jumped the bounds of its original job description, and I lost my marbles. Two, because life itself jumped the tracks there for a little while as we lost our car to the bureaucracy of road safety, and all other activities came to a screeching halt as we tried to replace it (tried to go without - not feasible in our situation. Sorry, Earth).

Anyway, I am now a week behind my self-set schedule for writing a paper that I need to submit by the end of the year. I have spent my weekend furiously flipping through pages and web journals (BTW, if anyone from the BU library is reading this, your journal selection BLOWS), then tap-tap-tapping the info into some semblance of cohesion for the paper.

I find myself drawn to the topics in the books I've checked out, repeatedly distracted by their applicability not to this particular paper, but to my PhD as a whole. Ideas about what draws an audience to a multimedia project, what form collaboration takes, structures that work in hypertext environments, how to transition from print to digital. I have to constantly police my own excitement, restricting it to the subject of the paper: online communities formed in the interaction between author and readers of print novels. They're finite, it's sure, but I think they're a significant step in the evolution toward a mainstream digital literature genre.

It's been a really long time since I wrote anything of an academic nature. The writing itself I don't find difficult. Rather, I'm worried that it's too simplistic, that I'm covering ideas everyone knows like the back of their hands, that they'll be rolling their eyes at such a sophomore effort. Yes, I am aware that my writing will improve, and I will eventually get a better feel for the literature of my area, what level to cover subjects at, what is common knowledge, etc. But as I noticed at the Creating Second Lives Conference, the field is still quite new and I'm not sure there really is a common ground. I guess I'll see.

At any rate, I'm enjoying it all greatly. I love the atmosphere, that ideas are important, that a discourse is being created. I don't feel like I've had that in a really, really long time. I feel like my brain, on some level, was in sleep mode for a very long while. My MPW course at USC didn't ever really make me think about anything; nothing was ever up for debate. We weren't encouraged to contribute to the field - only to write well, get published, and credit the program as much as possible.

But here, I already feel like I'm contributing to some new area of understanding. That what I think about it is helping to shape this new field. My ideas will be challenged, and I'm sure that will deal quite a blow to my intellectual ego the first few times it happens, but hopefully I'll adjust and be able to hold my own.

I like this academia gig.

"A Queen for a King" Published in Electric Spec

2008-10-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

My short story "A Queen for a King" has been published in the October 2008 issue of Electric Spec.

Brief description: Mabon’s father warned him about the temptations in the forest. But you can’t stop love, lust, or fairy dust.

Let me know how you like it!

I Want To Be Neil Gaiman When I Grow Up

2008-10-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

I played hooky last night. I played fangirl. I giggled madly throughout the evening, like I imagine my mom might have about Paul McCartney, back in the day.

I've lived in LA, worked in movie studios, met big stars. None of them made me giddy the way meeting Neil Gaiman did.

Neil Gaiman!

His book American Gods inspired my current work-in-progress, and his cross-media talents have fed into my desire to create a multi-media visual novel for my PhD. What I would be working on now, what I would be writing without Neil's influence is an existential mystery beyond my puny powers of imagination.

It was an experience all about the fans - some had expressed dismay that a favorite music act (Paul & Storm and Jonathan Coulton) were playing Manchester the same night. So Neil calls the musicians up, and has them play "the world's shortest set" to open up the reading. They set the tone for Neil's reading from The Graveyard Book nicely with songs about how hard it is for mad scientists to find true love.

Neil's reading was, of course, phenomenal. I usually buy the audiobook versions of all his books because they really take on an entirely new level of life when he reads them. It wasn't until I saw the video of his US Graveyard tour, each chapter's reading caught on tape, that I realized how much seeing Neil read adds to the experience. Even his small facial expressions help you see each character, to imagine this small boy named "Nobody" gagging over beetroot soup.

I was also struck by how eloquent and masterful his oration is on the fly. Me, when I have to think on my feet and actually speak, it comes out as so much stammering and verbal diarrhea. Neil thoughtfully and thoroughly answered each question, usually adding some anecdote or story that let us see into a bit of his life. Stories about how his children influenced his writing, about his son riding his tricycle in the nearby graveyard, his daughter asking him what happens next in the Graveyard story, propelling him to finish. About meeting Steve Ditko, how he was as awed by the "creator" of Spiderman as we were by him. Even about the love of sweaty, unkempt comic book storekeepers for his "sexually transmitted" Sandman series ("You brought women into my store, man!").

I love how he answered every question as though it were of the highest importance - a direct contrast to another recent experience I had at another big-name author's reading, where the guy's best answer was "Hmm, that's interesting. I'll think on that for my next talk."

There were definitely more questions than there was time for, and I found myself rooting for a nice girl with lime green hair. She raised her hand patiently every time, but never got to the front of the queue. I hope she emails him her question. :)

The book-signing line was miles long; we were about halfway back, and it took us an hour to get to the front. The wait wasn't bad, actually. We met some nice folks in line, and got to read the books we were having signed ("My other books are so on the back burner now," said my friend M as she gobbled up Chapter 1 of Graveyard). We could see how tired he was, but he always signs for everyone who waits, and that says a lot for a man who is living for the moment off room service.

I had wanted to ask a question during the Q&A session, but found myself a bit too nervous, so thought I'd save it for a later email. Honestly, I wanted to kidnap him away somewhere and talk to him for hours, like he was my BFF or something. I wanted to tell him how thoroughly I connected to American Gods, how fascinated by Neverwhere. I wanted to tell him all about my PhD, see what he thought, tell him how it was all thanks to his imagination.

But I just got to the front of the line, set my books down (one old copy of American Gods and one new of The Graveyard Book), and let him get on with the business of signing. He signed Graveyard, drawing a little tombstone with my name on it.

Then his helper picked up my copy of American Gods and waved it at me, a worried expression on her face.

"Is this yours? This really is too much for him to write."

"Whah?" I said. My name's only four letters!

Then I looked. Just inside the front cover was a mini-stack of post-it notes, the same exact ones they were using to write everyone's name for Neil, filled with scribblings.

"Oh, no!" I said in a rush. "That's just PhD notes. Just my name is fine."

Neil grabbed the book, already signing. "What's your PhD?" he asked.

Brain blank. It wasn't quite BFF time, but he'd asked about my brain child!

"Creative writing," I said. "I'm writing a multimedia visual novel, based on Welsh mythology."

"Cool."

As we walked out of the hall, heading for the long car ride home, I opened the book to see what the "PhD notes" were. First, they weren't even mine, though I am using the book as a reference for my studies - I'd bought the book from BetterWorldBooks.com, and had never noticed the post-its in the front. The book's previous owner had clearly began a little short story on these slips, detailing how her parents were zombies, but that was all right because her dad died of a heart attack while having sex.

How much more strangely perfect a cap on a Neil Gaiman evening could there be?

Okay, he didn't exactly stand up and shake my hand and tell me how much I'm contributing to the field, but it was enough for me. I giggled at random intervals all the way home. Even through the freak North Wales snowstorm that whited out the roads and threatened to leave us stranded at some Shell station near Prestatyn. Brr.

In the end, it cemented for me why Neil Gaiman is my favorite author - he's all the things a writer really should be. Plus, he's hella cool.

Neil, thank you for all you do for the fans, and to inspire other artists (not just writers!). You're my favorite weird guy ever.

Ironing Out My PhD Pitch

2008-10-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

What exactly am I trying to do? On a basic level, I can call it a digital story, or digital novel. I will have "digital" elements such as photographs, audio, possibly film. But when I google "digital storytelling," what I come up with are all these classroom tools and teacher articles for getting students involved in digital arts. These stories aren't much more than a picture slideshow with captions and music. Not exactly what I'm going for.

So...Interactive narrative? These stories primarily seek to engage the reader on an intellectual level. Games, for instance, are often interactive narrative: they have a storyline, and the "audience" interacts with the text by playing the game. Again, not the focus I'm looking for: I want some interactive elements, yes, but to me the story and its emotional engagement are more important to me than any "quest" or puzzle.

Multimedia novel works, too, but carries the same incompleteness factor as "digital novel" - you don't get a sense of the interactivity I'd like to include.

There will be some hypertext as well - links to follow, paths to choose. It could ostensibly be a "hypernovel" in the sense that it is simply more than a novel. But the issue gets confused when we consider what "hyper" has come to mean in modern lexicon, its relation to the web, as well as its definition within the new media research community. The word "hypernovel" suits, but only in its most literal sense; the many meanings various individuals will assign to the word make it a poor choice.

I want to post it on the web - does that make it a web novel? What then happens with my print novel? They will be related.

Which leads me to:

Multimedia interactive hypernovel.

That's just plain ugly. And scary. Who would want to read/watch/play with something they can't even get their mouth around? Those who shy from technology won't even touch it; those who love technology won't be able to figure it out.

I haven't found a suitable example yet of what I want to do. Inanimate Alice comes pretty close, and I see they faced the same issue: nowhere on the site do the creators name the type of story. The reviews they have quoted call it an interactive narrative, digital storytelling, e-book, flash fiction (which could be confusing - it uses flash media, and I suppose the word count is below 1000 words, which lets it fall into the definition of flash as a short short story), multimedia, flash-based kinetic novel (I like the "kinetic" bit), story/flash vid, animation, hypertext story, digital drama, web-based interactive games/art.

You see the problem. What the hell do we call these things?

I would start with Espen Aarseth's umbrella "ergodic literature" - text which requires a bit more effort to traverse than your ordinary book.

From there we fall into genres. From there, we create an insane Venn diagram where every genre leaks over into every other. Bookstores couldn't sell us - it's far more complicated than figuring out where vampire romances go.

Wikipedia, for the moment, lists:

Electronic Literature
Hypertext Literature
Collaborative Literature
Participatory Literature
Digital Literature
Interactive Fiction/Storytelling
Kinetic Novel
Cybertext
Hypermedia
Visual Novel (fits my idea very well...though the history of the concept is, er, not terribly lofty - they began, it seems, as "dating sims" in Japan - dating simulation stories)

If you're a bit more visual, like me, it helps to look at them this way (click the image for a larger, readable version):

At the moment, I plan for this novel to fall under both print and digital. The digital version will be electronic, participatory, kinetic, interactive, and likely hypermedia. Perhaps the best term to use for it is Visual Novel. It doesn't immediately connote every meaning I intend, unless of course you are familiar with visual novels – and at the moment, it's mostly only the Japanese who are, and fans of anime and Japanese visual novels. But when the novel began, I'm sure no one knew what anyone else was talking about, either. Forget about paranormal romance (which I still don't really get, BTW – when did bloodsucker come to equal sexy???)

My definition for now?

Visual novel: a digital text incorporating hypermedia and often participatory elements such as game play, forums, and collaboration. Visual novels, unlike many ludic narratives, place high importance on the reader's emotional connection to the story, and therefore character and story are the primary focus, rather than game play and experimental format.

Intro to the Other Life: Creating Second Lives Conference 2008

2008-10-28T08:09:00.001-07:00

I just spent the last two days looking at still shots of avatars and raids, learning about first person shooter games and suicide bomber games, and pondering the gender-imbalance issues in World of Warcraft. I sat in (or chaired) every possible session in this past weekend's Creating Second Lives Conference at NIECI, Bangor University. What did I come away with? A burning desire to live in a fairy land in Second Life, and an impression that so far, researchers in New Media are often forced to make things up as they go along.

It's a new field, game study, online anthropology, virtual world sociology. We had many discussions on how difficult it is to explain what we do to people not involved in the creative industries: often we're reduced to "those people who play online all day and then try to write a paper to justify it." It only takes one weekend among these researchers to realize that is not at all the case.

Many are not gamers at all (many are, of course). All, gamers and non-gamers alike, are interested in the effects of this paradigm shift to "virtual" worlds on communication, sociology, gender-relations, power of the individual, the economy...You name it, online activities shape it somehow.

It's a new area, not only to the world, but to research. It showed up in a lot of places this weekend. Almost every presenter introduced their paper with a slide on terminology – each one had to be explicit about their understanding of the same terms (reality, virtual, actual, etc.). Almost all had varying definitions, nuances of understanding. This field is so new we haven't even agreed on the definitions to the basic terms we use when speaking about it, even to each other!

I have firsthand experience of this difficulty: every time I try to explain my PhD topic to anyone, it runs about 5 minutes of pure explanation of what a digital narrative is, what it can be.

Other items of interest to me were the notions of world forming the story, not just the experience. Espen Aarseth's talk (regrettably cut short by his need to catch a plane) touched briefly on this topic, but it really resonated with me. As a writer, I know how important setting, i.e. world, is to a story, how it can influence the mood, the tone, the characters, the plot. So it makes sense that in a virtual setting, the world is just as important. It's on my task list to email Espen for his paper (if any) expanding the topic.

I was also intrigued by Joseph Clark's paper on Nature in virtual worlds. He pointed out that many of our real life experiences with nature are on some level artificial - gardens, parks, set up for scenic vistas, funneling you to certain areas. Even the real thing is often manufactured to a certain degree. The lack of rich nature and ecosystems in virtual worlds is a little disturbing. Maybe the complexity of programming a natural world, even a small one, is more than most developers can handle. On the other hand, maybe it's an indicator of how little we think of anything beyond the surface of pretty views.

In the end, it was an enlightening - if exhausting - experience, and I got a lot from the weekend to inspire me. I have a lot of avenues to explore now, and I look forward to them.

Ancient Anglesey

2008-10-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

Paul and I had a free day today - no rugby, no work, no errands. So of course, we spent the first half of the day trying to decide what to do with ourselves.

We finally decided on Anglesey - I've been wanting for a long time to wander around the island to the various antiquities, the burial mounds, the stone circles. I've sorted a list for myself from the BU Library catalogue of Wales & Anglesey histories, mythologies, and folklore. Monday I'll head to the library to actually check them out.

I very much want to set this novel here in North Wales, maybe even on Anglesey in particular. My short stories lately ("Wish on One Hand" and "A Queen for a King) have been set on Anglesey. There's just such a beauty about the place, so compact, wild, cultured, ancient...I can't help but want to set something magical there.

We made it around to a couple of burial mounds (Bryn Celli Ddu and Barclodiad y Gawres), then checked out St. Gwenfaen's Holy Well on Holyhead (and only after looking it up at home have I discovered we never actually found the well). Picture album is here.

The burial mounds struck me less, moved me less, than did the landscape itself. Harsh, rough, murderous coasts...and then you turn around and find lush rolling green hills, fluffy white sheep snoozing like animated puffs of cotton. The people can be rough, but we asked directions from two different old men out walking with their border collies, and both were so friendly and helpful.

I don't know yet what shape the story will take, whether it will touch on Grail myth, Celtic myth, whether it will be inspired by the story of a Welsh peasant boy or driven by the tale of a king. I just know that I'm drawn to Anglesey over and over, the same way I'm drawn to Chaco Canyon back home. Maybe it's the mystery there, maybe just the beauty of standing in the only remnant of a long-gone civilization, one unshaped by kings' edicts.

Recording the Process of Practice-Led Research

2008-10-17T01:11:00.000-07:00

The ICCWR in the form of Graeme Harper gave a little session exploring the topic of practice-led research (PLR) for we folks at NIECI, which is of course what I am doing for my PhD. I'll be writing a novel, which is only the initial phase - I then want to turn it into a "special edition" digital novel, complete with hypertext, images, audio, perhaps film.

I'm starting this log because of some topics Graeme brought up during the talk, one of which is the importance of the process in PLR. Academic research typically focuses on the end product, and when you turn in your thesis/dissertation, no one really much cares how you went about tracking down your information beyond the fact that it's useful and ethical.

But in PLR, it's all about the process. Yes, the final product is important, but it's about the exploration of how you got there. What did you learn, what did you have to adjust, how did your philosophic core evolve as you got deeper and deeper into the project.

Also mentioned was the issue of archiving. Pre-work and complementary work (work you produce just prior to, in preparation for, and concurrent with your project) are also important elements in PLR. They show how your PLR is influencing you as an artist, how you evolve overall. But in traditional archiving, you print up only your final product and the library stashes it. There is no thought to the context of the piece.

I'm interested in online or digital-based archiving, using hypertext to link all elements of the piece. I intend this blog to be a central core of that - to not only describe my process as I go through, but to include links to complementary work, notes on my life in general (as that always informs a writer's work), threads to my research, etc.

I want to do this as well because I love getting into a really phenomenal book, engaging with characters I love, wandering in a world that fascinates me, and then being able to continue with that by visiting an author's website or blog to learn more about them and how the story was created. Neil Gaiman blogs constantly, and has supplemental pages including bibliographies for his novels. Jasper Fforde has a website that allows readers to further explore Thursday Next's world through games, writing their own pieces, and interacting. I think having this rich source of contextual material will only increase my project's impact.

My plan at the moment is to blog at least once a week, if not more, to keep up with everything that's going on. It won't be a blow-by-blow description, nor a repository for my notes; rather it will be reserved for thoughts I have on the process, interesting tidbits, complementary work, and the like.

I will tag each of these entries with "PhD" - so any readers of the blog uninterested in my academic ramblings can skip these. Or not.

"Wish in One Hand" Published in Glassfire Magazine

2008-09-10T05:12:00.000-07:00

My short story "Wish in One Hand" has been published in the Summer 2008 issue of Glassfire Magazine.

Brief description: One wants freedom, the other a hole to hide in. Magic and desire drive two women to change their fates.

Let me know how you like it!

Mommy, Where Do Ideas Come From?

2008-08-07T07:19:00.000-07:00

The word "idea" sounds all fresh and innocent, doesn't it? It sounds exciting, refreshing, hopeful.

In truth, ideas are dirty little buggers. Deceptive and manipulative, they worm their way into your mind like microscopic parasites, like prions determined to feed off your neural impulses. They grow like a cancer, taking over your head until you can do nothing but vomit them up in a verbal spew known as the dreaded first draft.

The phrase "original idea" is an oxymoron. No idea is original. Search hard enough, and you'll find that at some point, somewhere, someone not only already thought of it, they wrote the book.

I've been stumbling over this speedbump for the last few months. My current novel seems to be fairly "original" - as in, I haven't read the exact same premise anywhere - thank the fates. But no less than 3 times now have I come across novels or stories that seem to be based entirely on entries from my Idea Matrix (yes, it's in Excel, and yes, I'm obsessive-compulsive).

I start to read or listen to these stories, my brain in disbelief, and no little amount of chagrin as I realize I've been beaten to the punch. I realize I have this exact same idea written down, waiting for the time or energy for me to give it life. And then I realize that now that I've experienced someone else's version of that same story, I may never be able to write it. I may never be able to separate it from what I know is already out there.

Another revelation is still to come, however: I may have drummed up these ideas not from my own imagination, but from these stories themselves. Seem like a paradox? Not really. I keep a running list of books I want to read and authors I want to check out, and sometimes I don't get around to reading something for months, or even years. So it's quite possible that in January I read a book blurb and added it to my list, and then subsequently forgot about it. Then in August my subconscious throws it back to me as a fabulous idea and I write it down in a flurry of excitement...only to be crushed in November when I get around to reading the original book that inspired the idea.

What's worse is when the realization comes too late, when I've written the story, sent it out, based my hopes and dreams on it. Then I get nostalgic, and read a book I remember loving as a kid, and wham, there is my book, only better and bigger. Ouch.

Of course, the stories I write not knowing they've been written before are still unique, still original. I am a different person than the other author, with different experiences, different style. It's why a creative writing class of 20 students can write 20 different stories all based on one assigned premise. Ideas may not be original, but stories usually are.

Whew. Big relief. It takes all the pressure off having that original, wonderful, never-been-seen-before idea...and moves it all onto the story. Hmm.

Oh, well, that's a post for another day!

The Debate Rages: Form Rejection or Personal Note?

2008-08-06T04:37:00.000-07:00

The first few rejection letters you receive as a writer are heartbreaking. You've worked and strived and sweated to create this story that shines, that is perfect in your eyes. You had every sympathetic friend and relative read it just so you could build up the courage to actually submit it somewhere. You sat in a library (yes, this was "back in the day") with a notebook and the most current Writer's Market from the reference section, choosing the best possible magazines or agents for your masterpiece.

You wait anxiously for that SASE to show up in your mailbox, the one from the editor who was so blown away by your talent and skill that she wants every word you've ever written. Not only that, she has an agent friend who happened to read your submitted story and wants to sign you right now, and thinks he can get a multimillion dollar sale for your first novel.

But what actually comes is a slow trickle of photocopied pages: "Thank you for submitting...not for us...good luck." They're pretty much all the same, right? And your wounded ego rails at them for being so impersonal, for treating you as something less than human. Not only did they say no to you, they didn't even care enough to say "no" in a different way, individualized to you.

I went through that, and I'm over it. Why? Because lately I've gotten a few of those "personal" rejections, and I've got to say, most of the time I prefer the form letter. After all, when it comes right down to it, a no is a no is a no. Do I really care that the editor didn't like my main character's name? Do I want to know that the agent felt my writing was not a style she could connect with? What the hell am I supposed to do with these little comments? They're usually not constructive, or even concrete enough for me to translate into something constructive. They're just a "no" with added doubt about my writing mixed in: a double whammy.

There is a scale of rejection, I have discovered, a range of the "no"s a writer can receive:

1. Form letters. Just a stark "no." I don't mind them, really. This is a business, we have to remember that. Do you get a personal letter from your mortgage lender when they turn you down, telling you everything they think about you and why you didn't meet their standards, and how you can do better next time? Hell, no. Agents and editors don't have time to coddle every writer they turn away. So take the no, write another story, and move on.

2. Personal letters with throwaway comments. Sometimes this agent/editor is new to the game. They haven't had to hand out a lot of rejections yet, and they still feel bad about every one. So they struggle to come up with something to cushion the blow. Sometimes though, they do like the story, but it's just not what they're looking for. They want to encourage you, but explain why the story isn't right for them.

These letters usually go badly. They don't have time to really get into the whys and wherefores. So you get a line or two about "not the right voice" or "the writing is good, but the characters don't meet our guidelines". The editor thinks they've done a great thing, letting you down gently, but in actuality you lie there in bed at night like a teenage girl in the throes of her first relationship breakup, wondering over and over "What does it all mean?"

In the end, it's just a no, same as the form letter, but with added emotional drama.

Even worse are the ones where they knew fairly quickly they didn't want to take you on, so didn't really bother to read the rest of the story. They give comments anyway, comments like "I don't really connect to a story where none of the characters have names" when everyone is named by page 2 and continue referring to one another's monikers throughout the tale. Just send a form letter, guys. Really. It's okay.

3. The "Nearly There" Personal Letter. These are the best. Ideally, for authors, agents and editors should just stop with the middle category of letter altogether. Give a form rejection, or give this "nearly there" rejection. This is the one that says "no...BUT I really like your work and hope you will keep submitting." This is the one that tells us to keep writing, to keep working, because soon it will all pay off. This one tells us the agent really struggled to turn us down, that we're on the right track.

This is the one that tells us to keep writing. If you get one of these letters, jump for joy. You can see the summit. You can take a few more puffs of oxygen and get there. Whereas the 2nd category of confusing personal rejections confuses us, makes us wonder if any of it is worthwhile, this "nearly there" letter is a beacon in the night, beckoning us forward.

I'm getting more and more of these encouraging letters. My stories are garnering acceptance, my novels are getting reads. It won't be long before I can stand at the peak and have a look around. (*crosses fingers*) I hope!

Forcing the Swing of Things

2008-08-04T06:19:00.000-07:00

Writing is hard. We love it, we're addicted to it, can't live without it, but it's definitely a long term relationship. You have to work at it. Every darn day.

Vacations really screw the dynamic up. I went home to the States last month, and though I took my flash drive and stole my mom's laptop, all I got done was a proofread on an agent-requested manuscript. Not a word written.

I'm one of those cyclic writers; I go in fits and spurts, sometimes inspired for hours on end day after day, and sometimes it's like giving a pound of flesh to get one mediocre sentence out. I envy those writers who can sit down at 5 a.m. every day like clockwork and churn out chapter after chapter without blowing their own head off. So this past month has been a bit of a dry spell - uninspired, and somewhat discouraging.

Then bang, bang, two things happened: an agent I have a lot of respect for loved my sample chapters and requested the full. Just as I was ready to shelve this manuscript, writing it off as a pre-success novel that might never see the light of day (unless published under the dreaded "Never Before Published" tag).

Not long after, one of my short stories was accepted for publication (details to be posted).

Wham! All of a sudden the universe was giving me all these positive signs, encouragement to move forward. In a rush of excitement, I sent off another short story and set myself a new goal table for my current work in progress.

Only...it's been at least 6 weeks since I looked at this monster. I don't remember exactly where I was, what I wanted to happen with it. The characters have all fallen into a magical slumber, and I feel like an erstwhile Prince Charming, seeking a way through the brambles and dragons and demonic knights, fighting my way to their chambers high in the castle keep so I may shake them awake again.

It's like setting a dinner date with an old boyfriend. I can remember our relationship, what went wrong, what I miss, but I'm fuzzy on details like toothpaste preference and shirt size. What do each of my characters sound like? Is the main character still funny, or did I at some point decide to make her more somber and serious?

Luckily for me, I'm obsessive compulsive, and as such have pages of copious notes about everything from character quirks to minute plot points. I just have to wade through it once again, overcome my procrastinitis, and get back to business.

Right after a quick squee on Facebook, a glance at Neil Gaiman's blog, a click-through on the blogosphere...

"Never Before Published" = Never Should Have Been

2008-08-01T03:12:00.000-07:00

I should know better than to so much as crack the spine on a book with those words inscribed on the cover.

"Never Before Published" translates to "this author is a big name, brings in lots of dough, so we'll publish anything s/he has ever written, ever, even this pile of poo smeared on the page. Stupid readers well never know the difference."

Note to publishers: yes we do know the difference!!! I just finished a torture-filled read from an author who always had my respect in the past. This author's books are usually original, entertaining, well crafted.

This one was painful. The same cliches repeated over and over. It's clearly a novice effort, with little attempt to edit before publication. The author initially made a name for herself as a romance novelist, but topped the bestseller lists by breaking free of the traditional format and formula of the romance genre.

In this book, I could see the beginnings of that transformation. The eye-rolling sex scenes are there (I'm sorry, but no 18-year-old innocent in 19th century London gives a mind-blowing BJ on her first attempt). But also there is a story that breaks free of the traditional regency romance boundary, edging into fantasy, with a nicely created world that is magical and intriguing.

The characters are stock - the dashing titled rogue with money and the spirited and passionate young maid. They start to evolve into real characters, but are held back by the constraints of being forced into the "fall in lust-marriage-insane sex-fall in love" formula that is now so old and trite in the romance genre it might as well be a paint-by-number.

I would have thought the author, as far as she's come with her writing, would have wanted a major rewrite before the book hit the shelves. Even on a micro level, the thing is messy, with meandering dialogue, senseless transitions, and some seriously fuzzy plot points.

I'm hoping it's just that she was furiously writing on something new (she's quite prolific), and simply didn't have the time or inclination to labor over something she'd finished with a long time ago. "Sure, publish it and send me the paycheck!" I hope that's what she was thinking. I hope she didn't read the thing and it made perfect sense to her and looked like a good piece of writing. Oi.

I see it a lot, though, pick up paperbacks by big name authors only to have the story be amateurish and ham-handed. I wonder, if I ever get to be one of those big-shots, if I will succumb to the same temptations of publishing my early drivel just for the added royalties.

Which, dear god, brings the thought: my early drivel is what I'm shopping around now. Ouch.

Well, let's just hope that someday I have the opportunity to decide whether or not to publish it under the "Never Before Published" tag. Until then, as a consumer with many books to read and not enough years in life to read all of them, I will stay far far away from these monstrosities in the future.

My Alternative to Amazon

2008-06-26T03:47:00.001-07:00

If you're in the publishing industry at all, as an author, an editor, or even just an interested consumer, you've probably read about the controversy surrounding Amazon's new POD publishing plans, and the restrictions it's placing on book listings that don't conform to their demands.

Self-published authors are angry at the fact that Amazon would remove one-click ordering for books that don't use their BookSurge publisher. Some industry experts, on the other hand, are touting it as a possible wake-up call to the antiquated book publishing industry.

Whatever. They're a business, a gigantic fracking business. The only thing I can do about their practices (as a consumer and as-yet unpublished novelist) is to buy my stuff elsewhere.

Which got me wondering: what else is out there? Sure, there's Barnes & Noble, another box giant whose sales contribute little to author's pockets. Six of one, half dozen of the other, if you ask me.

So I did a little looking around, and came across Better World Books. It's a retailer that began as a used book distributor, "rescuing" discarded library books and returning them to the circulation rather than letting them get scrap-heaped. It's now grown to a large retailer selling new and used books, DVDs, and music.

What's more, they fund literacy programs all over the world. They have free shipping regardless of how much you buy. They add a few cents to each purchase for carbon offsetting for the shipping.

Imagine that. A socially conscious company. I'd have made the switch even without all the Amazon controversy. Try it. It'll make you feel at least a smidgen better about being a consumer.

"Reading" Books on My Mobile

2008-06-23T03:13:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, I broke my nose playing rugby. I mean smashed it all over my face. Took the surgeon two tries to get it mostly straight, which meant I was icing my face for about three solid weeks (as each time he fixed it, he broke it all over again).

I couldn’t type. I couldn’t watch Buffy, or Stargate Atlantis. I couldn’t read. Not through the icepacks on my face.

I. Was. Bored.

I bummed around, and discovered what most net-savvy people discovered circa 2001: podcasts.

It wasn’t long before I hit on what is now my newest obsession: sci-fi and fantasy short story podcasts via EscapePod and PodCastle. Every week or so, these lovely folks podcast a new story in doses varying from 5 minutes to an hour. Some of the stories are fantastic, some are all right, some just aren’t my style.

The thing is, though, that these are stories I probably never would have come across without a ton of subscriptions or pestering my local library beyond their abilities (I’m in the boonies. I’m lucky to have a library). I load them up on my cell phone (which has an MP3 player - in some ways, I really am in the 21st century, I swear), and I listen to them as I drive out to ride horses.

Upon hearing about my love with the podcasts, a friend turned me on to PodioBooks.com. Authors podcast their novels chapter by chapter, all for free (or hopefully, a donation, most of which goes directly to the author, unlike most publication payments).

How much do I love this idea? A lot. I love the free market quality of these podcasts, where the best-loved novels rise to the top of the list. I love that the authors get paid based on how much the reader-listeners love the story, not on how well the book was marketed. I love that so many writers get the opportunity to share their work without the dreaded query letter/rejection flogging.

I am desperate to have a story read on PodCastle, to possibly start churning out chapters of my book, little by little. Sure, I want the prestige that comes with a published book. Sure, I want to be able to drop the words “my agent” into as many conversations as possible. And I still know that’s going to happen.

The podcasts and internet availability are just one more realm for authors to explore, like the new book trailers. One more way to share our stories, which is what it’s all about.

So if you haven’t caught on to this trend, click over to the podcast sites and see what’s out there. There are so many stories to take in, so many tales to enjoy. Miss as few as possible.

Don't I Know You?

2008-05-19T03:09:00.000-07:00

The question comes up a lot, in classes I teach, when I tell people I write fiction: Do you use people you know in your stories?

Well, duh. Of course I use people I know in my stories. If I went around using people I don't know in my stories, I'd have a bunch of flat, uninteresting characters.

Very few of my characters, however, are flat-out one-for-one representations of people I know. I may use one friend's speech pattern for a character, for example. Or someone's tale of woe may be the start of a story. Another friend's family background might be useful for filling out the history of a character. It all boils down to things that I know, things that resonate with me and happen to suit my story.

I use my family a lot. I can't help it. While I love my family dearly, we have so much drama and conflict exploding at any given time it's like a cross between Dallas and Family Guy. How can I resist telling stories about affairs that bring down empires, criminals so talented they baffle the cops even when caught, and Oedipus-worthy manipulations for inappropriate familial affections?

My friends and family often try to pick themselves out in my stories. They usually go one of two ways: either they completely mistake a character with no relation to them whatsoever as their fictional doppelganger, or they never recognize themselves at all. They may be able to pick out other people in the fiction, but hardly ever themselves.

It's always a great relief - who doesn't worry that even an innocuous representation may offend? - not to mention a decent source of amusement. I love that people have such a hard time seeing themselves as others do, as they are pictured in fiction. It immediately makes everyone a more complex character...one I can use. ;)

Did Paul Varjak Feel This Way?

2008-02-29T01:52:00.000-08:00

Every writer, at least every writer I know, has at some point expressed a desire for a sugar daddy. Or mama, whatever. Those first scenes in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, where he has that great apartment, cash on the table, and time to do nothing but write and steal dime-store masks are enough to make us drool with insatiable need. And at the end when he throws it all away (for love no less! The fool.), all we can think is what an idiot he was to give up such a good racket. Dignity be damned, we’d rather write than spend the rest of our lives finding stiletto heels in the fridge.

I’m Paul Varjak. I’m not kept, not really. I’m just married. We had a wedding, and then my darn husband went off and found a wonderful job in BFE Wales. Those villages in the quaint English movies with Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, where they’re always walking everywhere, and everyone is excited for the mail…they’re all true. The mail is exciting because there’s no other way to purchase specialty items. Last week I needed tap shoes, and even a trip 20 miles away to the nearest dancewear store in the “big city” yielded no results. I’ve had similar trouble trying to find recycled printer paper, power converters, a yoga mat... you see what I’m getting at.

Furthermore, I’ve had similar trouble trying to find a job. If I were schooled in the art of hair styling (or even shampooing), I would have no problem. There are probably two hair salons to every person living in North Wales. They’re like Starbucks over here. But for a writer, even a very experienced technical writer, jobs are scarce. And of course, should I apply for a receptionist position or something similar, I would get some very dumbfounded looks. “You have a Master’s degree, and you want to answer our phones? Have you suffered brain damage? No really, because I’m not sure I want someone with brain damage talking to my clients.”

We half-expected this. We decided to move to North Wales for his job because the salary was enough to support both of us (and our four pets) should I find myself in just this situation. So my job is to write, to get the darn novel published, to finally accomplish what I thought I’d have done five years ago.

I should be ecstatic. Every damn day, I should wake up with my head full of ideas and joy and verve. I should be dancing jigs and thumbing my nose at all the poor sad sacks who actually have to work a job every day, and somehow squeeze writing into their spare moments. I thought it would be fantastic.

I’m not dealing with it well. You see, I’ve either had a job or been in school full time (or both) since I was fourteen years old. That’s fifteen years of always having output, always having some sort of supervisor, of always being acknowledged for my contributions to the community, the world. That’s also fifteen years of a steady (and steadily rising) paycheck. Daily affirmation that I am someone, that I am worthy, that I can fend for myself.

I would work a project, send it off. Someone would say what a fabulous job I did. Someone would give me a raise. I would take classes to earn my advanced degrees. Someone would grade my papers and give me an evaluation. Someone would give me a degree.

Now I wake up in the morning, read a library book while I drink my coffee, and I sit at my computer. I write. I get lonely. I peruse the internet. At 3:30 every day, I call my mother. I take the dogs for a walk. I often never get out of my PJs. I check my email obsessively to see if any agents are dying to represent me.

Every day.

I rarely talk to anyone, thus the internet need. I get excited for the mail. I download episodes of Stargate SG-1.

Lately I’ve committed myself to writing a lot more, and surfing a lot less. I shut down the wireless modem. I force myself to stare at my novel, to work my way through my revision outline. I feel more like I’m working, less like I’m unemployed.

But other than my mom and husband totally 100% supporting me in my writing (hell, my mother is fielding my rejection letters), I have no feedback on the worthiness of my life. I am so very grateful to both of them for what they do for me, but in the end their love and support is not enough. Yes, it hurts me to say that. But when you’re a writer, everyone knows your family will say you’re good and successful. Your mom will always tell you she loves your stories.

There is no cold hard cash, though. No paycheck, no reviews. I have no indicators to tell me that the path I’m on is the correct one. I have no signs to tell me I’m a participating member of society. I have nothing telling me “Hey, thanks for being alive. You’re doing a great job.”

On a daily basis, I’m faced with money issues. We’d like to buy a house, but can we afford it on only one income? We’d like to travel, to buy books and movies, to go out to dinner once in a while. I contribute nothing toward those things.

What’s more, I can’t cook. I despise cleaning (though I do it), and grumble endlessly if my husband leaves his laundry on the bathroom floor. I feel awful about this. After all, traditionally if one partner isn’t working, they earn their keep in household chores. I have a hard time even doing that, which means I contribute even less to the household. I feel like a leech.

I am determined to keep working, to keep writing until I have some indication of success or definite and infinite failure. I apply for jobs. I applied for a PhD program so that at least I’ll be working toward something, for some purpose, with some amount of supervision and feedback. I am writing every day, researching agents and publishers, communicating (virtually, anyway) with other writers.

I just have to shake this innate sense of uselessness that has settled into the forefront of my brain. Perhaps it’s a middle class American thing – if you’re not working, if you’re not contributing to the GNP, you’re a drain on society. I’m one step away from drawing unemployment and welfare (not that I’m eligible for it here in the UK). I’m not, of course, but that’s how it feels. I don’t feel independently wealthy; I feel like a bum.

So here it is in writing, published for public consumption: I am a writer. That is my profession. I will write every day. I will finish my current book, and if I haven’t gained an agent and publishing contract yet, I will shop that one around diligently. I will write another book, and another, until someone finally sits up and says “This is the next [insert awesome, prolific, wealthy author here]!!!” Until I am not merely pulling an “allowance” from my husband’s paycheck. Until I can contribute toward the mortgage, I will put my nose to that grindstone and write, damn it.

Writers don’t get weekly paychecks. They get advances, and hopefully royalties. I can look at that as a yearly paycheck, or a decadely paycheck. However it works. I am working. I am contributing. That is all. The end of the issue. My brain can just take that and gnaw on it a while.

The Best Way to Handle Rejection

2008-02-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

I recently completed (for now, of course), my novel The Pathfinder, and I have been embroiled in the grueling process of finding an agent to represent me, and failing that, a publisher willing to take it on.

If you're a writer, you know this is the worst part of being a writer. Now, I'm not talking your backyard, "Yeah, I took a class and wrote a story and it was mostly about me at five years old when I was clinically depressed and my uncle and/or aunt was overly fond of me" sort of writer. I'm talking about those of us who have an inborn compulsion to be published, self-sufficient authors, if not world-famous and vomitously wealthy, and who also therefore have a compulsion to have the powerful people in the publishing industry spit in our faces. Repeatedly.

You spend a week copiously poring over the Writer's Digest, picking out the agencies that accept work from new writers, from unpublished writers, who have even a remote fondness for your particular genre. You spend another week crafting that most elusive of writer's tools, the perfect query letter - the one that hooks them, that shows them how professional you are, that hides how inadequate and insecure you are, is free of typos or glaring errors, that avoids references to your mother, and all fits onto one page.

If you're really intent, you peruse each agency's website, in order to make sure your query is perfectly directed, that you're not committing some faux pas by relying on the Writer's Digest entry that may, after all, be a year old. You create a spreadsheet to track your submissions, to record each minute detail you learn about these agents. You are not above googling their MySpace pages.

You send out your queries, and of course, since no two agents want the same information, you spend yet another week creating custom packages (email, snail mail, sample chapter, synopses, author bio...how many combinations can they come up with? It's exponential!!!).

And then you wait. You wait for the inevitable rejections, what I call the "you suck" letters. If you've done this a time or two already, you know you've just set yourself up for a fall, as though you've set a goal to ask out every single one of the Victoria Secret supermodels, or each member of the Man U soccer team.

The e-queries come in first. Somehow, the agents have managed to recreate the form letters electronically. Some have submitted to web-ese so far that they don't even capitalize the beginnings of their sentences. I'm waiting to get that rejection letter that says "ur book iz the suk. lolz, ZOMG!!1! gd luck with that 1, bro."

Then the snail mail queries trickle in. Sometimes the rejection form letter has been xeroxed so many times it's not even legible. Sometimes the guy hasn't even wasted paper on you - they just scribble "no thanks" in the margin of your carefully crafted query letter. Worst of all are the ones who can't even take a moment of their day to tell you they think you suck - "If you haven't heard from me in 6 weeks, I'm not interested."

I get it, of course - all agents are overwhelmed, and can’t take the time to worry about egos. We writers truly shouldn’t take the rejection so hard, because it’s not personal. It’s business. Nonetheless, the politely phrased “no”s can’t help but injure, in the same way it hurts to never be quite the right candidate for a coveted job.

I've managed, however, to avoid most of the ego-trouncing snail mail you-sucks this time around. How? you're thinking. Those are the worst - tangible evidence in your hand that someone doesn't think you're good enough. Emails are oh-so easy to delete and pretend they never existed at all, but those paper rejections drive nails into your poor overgrown, tenderly writer's heart.

I cheated. I had them all sent to my mother's address.

In my defense, I'm currently in the UK, and the postage situation if I had them all sent here was a nightmare. It was easier to have the SASEs returned to a US address.

Of course, I did not realize the emotional effect this would have on my mom.

She's almost to the point she won't open the envelopes, now that she recognizes them. She certainly won't make a list of the rejections so I can check them off my spreadsheet. "It's so humiliating!" she wails. After only two you-suck letters, she was ready to quit as a writer - and this is a woman who has had me write her letters and emails for the past 15 years. "It's just mean. That's what it is. How can Michael Crichton get that god-awful Next book, with no story whatsoever, published, and you can't get anyone to look at this one? What's wrong with them?!? They're just mean. I just want to call them up and tell them 'it's a good book - it really is! What's wrong with you people?' I could never do what you do. It's not even fair."

Yep, it sucks. But for the first time, I'm getting some great humor out of the horrifying process. I never want to be that writer, of course, whose mother verbally reams out the agents who thought my work just "wasn't right for them at this time," but holy shit is the idea of it precious. I can just imagine the conversation:

AGENT: X Agency, Agent Meanie speaking.

MOM: What's wrong with you people?

AGENT: I'm sorry?

MOM: There are good books out there! I read, I've seen what you pick, what gets published.

AGENT: I know that, I really do try to find good auth--

MOM: Apparently, you don't. I read that book about robots. I even read the book about stealing people's DNA. I read romance novels, for Christ's sake! I know that what is out there is shit.

AGENT: Yeah, Michael Crichton should really just stick to ER, I'm with you there.

MOM: My daughter's book is good. But you just send back these mean letters. "Not for me." "No thanks." "Good luck finding someone else." You're mean, all of you are mean and unfair and you wouldn't know talent if it splatted on your nose!

AGENT: Well, my name is Agent Meanie. By the way, what's your daughter's name, so I can be sure to add her to the "Crazy family - do not accept under any circumstances" list?

It does bring some light into my humdrum life. That, and I remind myself daily that Jasper Fforde wrote (and submitted, and was subsequently rejected) seven novels over a period of ten years before an agent responded favorably to The Eyre Affair. Don't believe me? The rather indirectly inspiring interview is on Writer Unboxed.

So in the end, my solution is to keep, keep, keep trying. And use your mother's address.